Francis Fukuyama famously declared that we witnessed “the end of history” with the fall of the Soviet Union in 1991. He wrote a book with that title, which was like 400 pages so obviously I never read it, but my understanding is that he meant liberal democracy would soon become the norm in most places where it did not yet exist and only grow more robust in the countries where it already did. However, Dr. Fukuyama clearly never anticipated the rise of former Arkansas Governor Asa Hutchinson and the cult of personality surrounding him that has dominated political discourse in that state over the past several years. And although it came as no surprise to the experts, his announcement in April that he would indeed be seeking the highest office in the land sent chills down the spine of all who cherish freedom, progress, and the promise of America. And who have heard of Asa Hutchinson.
Many pundits have suggested that a Hutchinson victory in the Republican primary might well afford Joe Biden the best possible chance at re-election due to the sheer weight of the former’s baggage, but the reality is that most general election outcomes depend more than anything on the state of the economy at the time, so a Hutchinson defeat next November would hardly be something to take for granted. Others say the assumption that he’ll be the nominee in the first place is premature, given his average of 0.8% support in the polls. But it behooves us not to lose sight of the fact that, in a crowded field, nothing close to a majority is needed to win any given state, and the GOP’s format is winner-take-all in each contest. If, for instance, the number of candidates reaches something in the neighborhood of 140, any one of them could conceivably walk away with all 30 of Iowa’s delegates without reaching 1% of the vote. Lest we forget, Hitler himself became Chancellor of Germany in 1933 despite his name not even appearing on the official New Hampshire, South Carolina, or Oklahoma primary ballots.
I have no doubt that at least a few readers will chalk all of this up to alarmism and roll their eyes at what they see as merely a case of Hutch Derangement Syndrome. Some who could pick the former Governor out of a lineup insist that he’s just like every other politician, while those who are pretty sure they could name which state he comes from if you give them a few hints find his willingness to flout norms and conventions a bona fide breath of fresh air. To Hutchinson’s credit, much of his genius lies in his instinctive ability to convince the half-dozen voters at his town halls that he’s blue collar just like them, even as his estimated net worth swells to nearly a two-hundredth of a billion dollars. But make no mistake, this man represents a unique threat to the republic, not only should he seize power but because of the poisonous ideology he will undoubtedly spread far and wide as soon as more than a smattering of people outside the suburbs of Little Rock catch wind of it. In the immortal words of Hannah Arendt, “The banality of evil is bad, for although it is banal, it is also evil.”
To those who are as yet unfamiliar with Hutchinson, I implore you to review his record as Governor of Arkansas and in the private sector and ask yourself whether this is an individual with whom you would entrust the nuclear codes. I’ve taken the liberty of compiling some of the lowlights of his career, although I must stress that this is only the tip of the iceberg. As you can see, his misdeeds range from conduct unbecoming of an elected official to outright scandal:
Pathologically lied all throughout his time in office. According to the Arkansas Times, Hutchinson told no fewer than seventeen falsehoods in his first term alone. Emboldened by his re-election, the mendacity only worsened, with estimates of the number of lies told in his second term ranging from the low-twenties to the low-to-mid-twenties.
Engaged in a quid pro quo by withholding much needed monetary aid to a crumbling school district unless and until the superintendent told him the amount they needed and where to send the check.
Appointed his son-in-law to organize his daughter’s surprise 34th birthday bash despite a lack of any formal training in party planning.
Pardoned a former business partner who begged him to do it after failing to hear something he said. Hutchinson, without consulting counsel, granted the request and repeated himself at a slightly louder volume.
Claimed John McCain never ate a gyro, adding “I like people who don’t order the souvlaki every time we meet up for Greek food.”
Declared a ban on Jehovah’s Witnesses from entry into his home after two missionaries wouldn’t take a hint and ended up making him late for work that day.
Orchestrated the Huntington University scam, in which unsuspecting high school graduates were duped into paying tens of thousands for liberal arts degrees from an institution which is accredited but hardly anybody has even heard of outside northern Indiana. (Note that Hutchinson still denies any involvement with the university that bears a striking similarity to his name.)
Contested the result of a free and fair shuffleboard match when everyone could pretty easily tell, even just by eyeballing it, that his opponent’s final puck beat his by a good two millimeters.
Was caught on tape bragging about the way he physically interacts with supporters at campaign events, saying, “When you’re the Governor, you can grab them by the hand and shake it and they let you do it.”
Requested, after his fourth night of a weeklong stay at a Howard Johnson, that staff change the sheets on his bed – which was once slept in by the Clintons. (A video recording of this brief exchange is rumored to exist but has yet to surface.)
Issued an executive order that state and county fairs must enforce a limit of two occupants per Ferris wheel gondola, thus separating families.
Promoted the dangerous conspiracy theory that Knots Landing was faked, and that the whole thing was filmed in a studio in Los Angeles.
Attended a clam bake and requested both coleslaw and macaroni salad, stating afterward that there were very fine people serving both sides.
Claimed, without evidence, that Beano helps reduce acid reflux.
Referred to the 1918 global pandemic as the “H1N1 Flu Over the Cuckoo’s Nest.”
Called for insulation at the State Capitol, causing many representatives and their staffers to hide under their desks for hours in fear of developing a rash if it brushed up against their skin.
To this day has failed to denounce Vladimir Putin’s most horrific atrocity.
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The Republican primary race is nearly at hand. Dark forces have been set in motion and will surely continue to coalesce as we blissfully guzzle Bud Light Hard Seltzer after Bud Light Hard Seltzer like so many White Claws. Dear friends, if we do not wake up now to the lurking menace that is Asa Hutchinson, I fear there will come a day in the not-too-distant dystopian future when we shall look back on this moment in which scarcely anyone knew jack shit about him and fall to our knees, weeping for our children’s children that we did nothing while we still could… like not even glancing over his Wiki page or committing his utterly generic face to memory.
I’ll leave you now with a famous poem that bears reading once again, not only for its poignancy but for its eerie pertinence to the present day:
First they came for the communists
And I did not speak out
Because I was not a communist
Then they came for the socialists
And I did not speak out
Because I was not a socialist
Then they came for the trade unionists
And I did not speak out
Because I’m actually still not sure what that is tbh
Then they came for the feminists
And I did not speak out
Because I didn’t wanna come off as mansplaining
Then they came for the atheists
And I did not speak out
Because Penn Jillette wouldn’t let anybody get a fucking word in edgewise
Then they came for the nudists
And I did not speak out
Because frankly I was happy to see them go
You ever watch that old HBO documentary show Real Sex?
Mother of Christ if that program was in any way representative of the broader nudist community then yeah I was fully prepared to soldier on without them
(More like Real GROSS)
Then they came for a bunch more -ists
And I did not speak out
Because I figured if I did and it actually worked I would have to admit to myself that I probably could’ve saved a lot more people if I’d said something earlier
Which woulda been a bigtime bummer
And then they came for me
Which was weird given how all the other people they came for were in groups
Truth be told I was actually kinda flattered that they made a special trip just for me
There were still plenty of people left who could’ve spoken up for me by the way
But nobody did and they all lived happily ever after
Or wait no
I forgot this was about the Nazis
I’m pretty sure they mostly ended up killing themselves or getting executed
Although some of them fled to Argentina and never got caught
I don’t know about you but whenever I hear of an Argentine with a German last name I always think hmm I wonder if this asshole’s grandpa was a Nazi
I can't be the only one to notice Hutchinson's been completely silent regarding the 1993 Waco Siege. Are we to read this as Asa's tacit endorsement of David Koresh and the Branch Davidians?
Regardless, thanks for this. We can't normalize Hutchinsonism.
That ‘Real Sex’ show was a real drag. I remember it as a bunch of people showing their dinguses, humming, speaking in tongues, convulsing, reading Family Circus, and sitting in a semicircle. You know, real sex type stuff. It was as if it was filmed in a community center locker room. Not that I know anything about that🫠. Asa Hutchinson For Real Sex Prez 2024! Make nudity unsexy again!