Well folks, the Presidential primary season is officially upon us. For those who weren't able to watch the GOP debate last night and don't have time for the replay, I've taken the liberty of providing a condensed version of the transcript. The Fox moderators were Bret Baier and Martha MacCallum, and the candidates were former Vice President Mike Pence, Senator Tim Scott, Pharma-bro Vivek Ramaswamy, and Governors Ron DeSantis, Nikki Haley, Chris Christie, and Doug Burgum.
Wait... that's only seven. I could’ve sworn there were eight on stage...
Oh, right, Asa Hutchinson was there too.
-
Baier: "Hello, and welcome to the first Republican presidential primary debate of 2023. I'm Bret Baier, along with my colleague, Martha MacCallum. We've got a lot of questions to ask so let's quickly lay out the ground rules. Each candidate will be allowed to talk for 60 seconds per answer, and when you hear the sound of this bell, that's your cue to keep talking for another 90 seconds or more without Martha or me doing much of anything to stop you. If any candidate invokes another by name, the named party will have 30 seconds to respond, and if anyone should use a word like 'unsettling' or 'pathetic' or 'loathsome', Governor DeSantis will likewise be allowed to respond. And so, without further ado, let's begin.”
MacCallum: Governor Christie, you were formerly an ally of Donald Trump but have had no shortage of harsh criticism for him during this campaign. Please take a moment and summarize your objections to the former President."
Christie: "Well Bret, it's no secret I've got a major beef with Trump. He made a lot of pie-in-the-sky promises but it turned out he was full of beans, and now it looks like his goose is finally cooked. He's in a major pickle and pretty soon will have egg all over his face, but hey, that's the way the cookie crumbles."
(The crowd boos)
MacCallum: "Mr. Ramaswamy, you recently made waves by suggesting that 9/11 may have been perpetrated by American law enforcement officials, given that we don’t know if any federal agents or police officers were on the planes. Can you flesh out the theory a bit more for us?"
Ramaswamy (smiling really really hard): "I'd be happy to. Conspiracies work better the more people you involve, because all the participants are aware that more folks will be mad at them if they blow the whistle. So in this case, they must've sent a heads-up email to all of the more than half million police and federal agents across the country. How else do you explain my assumption that there were none on those flights? The math is pretty hard to argue with: roughly one in every 500 Americans works in law enforcement and there were over 200 passengers on those planes, so the odds that none of them would be cops are astronomical.”
(Cheers)
MacCallum: “But what about all the New York City police who died trying to rescue people trapped in the buildings? Why would they have rushed in if they were warned that the Towers were going to fall?”
Ramaswamy (still grinning from ear to ear): “The email must have gone into their spam folders. And only theirs and not any who were planning on flying that day! But the most damning piece of evidence is when you do that trick where you fold up a 20-dollar bill so that the drawing on the back looks like the Towers with smoke plumes coming off them. Lest we forget what police and federal agents get paid with for doing their jobs: money."
(Cheers)
Baier: "Governor DeSantis, you've suggested that if you become President and Donald Trump is sentenced to jail time, you will pardon him. Is that still your position?"
DeSantis (nasally): "NOT ONLY WOULD I PARDON PRESIDENT TRUMP, I WOULD IMPRISON EVERY OTHER AMERICAN SO THAT HE GETS TO BE THE ONLY ONE WALKING AROUND FREE!"
(Raucous cheers)
Baier: "Uh, Governor? Do you see that contraption sticking out from your podium? That's a microphone. It will amplify your voice, so there's no reason to shout at the top of your lungs."
MacCallum: "Vice President Pence, your administration appointed three Supreme Court Justices, which allowed for the striking down of Roe v. Wade. Do you worry about the political backlash which may result?"
Pence: "Well Martha, when it comes to issues like this, I don't worry about the political ramifications. Abortion is a sin and a defiant contradiction of God's plan."
(Polite applause)
MacCallum: "But don't you also believe that everything which happens is part of God's plan?"
Pence: "Yes."
(Protracted silence)
Pence: "Listen, if the American people had any idea how many late term abortions happen every day, they'd be shocked. We've got doctors all across this country who, on the day a baby is due, will take the precious angel from the womb and callously discard it into the mother's arms. I believe wholeheartedly in a culture of life, where babies are left to grow into adulthood inside the womb where it's warm and safe. Mother and I wanted to leave our children inside of her, away from the sin and temptation of a fallen world, but each time were betrayed by a doctor well-practiced in the dark art of obstetrics, who terminated the pregnancies by pulling the babies out and handing them to her — presumably so that we could eat them. Ladies and gentlemen, that is wrong."
(Loud cheers)
Baier: "Governor Haley, what would your policy be on abortion at the federal level?"
Haley: "Well Bret, I always say that if you want something said, ask a man. If you want something done, ask a woman."
(Cheers from half the crowd)
Baier: "Okay, I'm asking about your abortion policy. What would you do in office?"
Haley: "Well Bret, if you want something asked, ask a man. If you want something answered, answer a woman."
(Applause from half the crowd)
Baier: "I'm just trying to find out your specific stance on abortion."
Haley: "Bret, if you want to repeat something, repeat it to a man. If you want to repeat something, repeat it to a woman."
(Confused clapping from half the crowd)
MacCallum: "Does anybody else hear that?"
Baier: "Hear what?"
MacCallum: "It sounds like an M1 Abrams tank rolling over a gravel driveway."
Burgum: "I hear it too."
Scott: "Yeah, it's pretty hard to ignore."
Haley: "I think it's coming from inside Ron's mouth."
MacCallum: "Governor, please wait until after the debate to loudly grind your teeth. It's very distracting."
DeSantis (nasally laughing): "Sorry about that!"
MacCallum: "Dear God, that was so much worse! How in the world do your jaws open that wide?"
DeSantis (nasally): "The grinding makes them quite strong. My dentist is convinced that if you put a tow rope in my mouth I could drag an 18-wheeler across a Walmart parking lot."
(Loud cheers)
Scott: "Bret, can I say something?"
Baier: "Go ahead."
Scott (passionately): "This is the greatest nation in the history of the world and for that I will make no apology!"
(Thunderous cheers)
Baier: "Thank you, Senator."
Christie: "That was ham-fisted, Tim, and frankly pretty cheesy. Can we get back to talking about the meat and potatoes issues? The American people are tired of pork barrel politics and we've got bigger fish to fry, like the economy, which is as flat as a pancake. Fortunately, that's my bread and butter issue, and when I'm President, the middle class is gonna start bringing home the bacon again."
(Boos)
MacCallum: "Governor Burgum–"
Scott: "Wait a minute, Martha. He mentioned me by name so I'd like to respond."
MacCallum: "30 seconds, go ahead."
Scott: "Chris, there is never a bad time to point out the greatness of this nation. I've always known this to be true, in the years before I lost my virginity at age 46 and in the years since I lost my virginity at age 46."
(Deafening silence)
Baier: "Wait, is that true, Senator?"
Scott: "It is."
Ramaswamy: "Man, that is crazy."
Baier: "Yeah, pretty wild."
Christie: "Totally bananas!"
Haley: "I mean, Jesus, Tim, even Mike had sex before that."
MacCallum: "Okay, let's move on to the next ques–"
Pence: "Hold on now, Nikki just said something disparaging about me and I'd like to respond."
MacCallum: “30 seconds, and then we'll proceed.”
Pence: "Listen, we're all members of the same party here and there is no reason whatsoever to talk about a fellow Republican like that. It is nothing short of a slanderous lie to suggest that I engaged in coitus, and I won't stand for it. Besides, what I do in my marital bed is between me, Mother, and our God."
(Audible gasps)
Haley: "Wait, did I just hear you insinuate that you had a three-way with your mom and God?"
Pence: "First of all, Mother is my wife. I don't understand why so many people have such a hard time grasping that. She is the mother of our children, and hence the name. It's the same reason I called my mother 'Wife', as she was married to my father. But more importantly, Mother and I don't even have two-ways, as that is a one-way ticket straight to hell."
(Mixture of cheers and boos)
MacCallum: "Thank you, Mr. Vice President. Governor Burgum, for many years, the rap on you has been that you look like an ugly Gavin Newsom. Do you care to respond to your detractors?"
Burgum: "Well Martha, I have no doubt that millions more voters would prefer him over me if we ever squared off head-to-head, but the American people don't need to be governed by sexy-ass leaders who are probably really good in the sack. The American people need a President who looks eerily similar to that Muppets character Sam Eagle. And while Gavin likely spends thousands on haircuts and other grooming services, the citizens of this country can rest assured that my eyebrows will never be so much as lightly trimmed as long as there is breath in my body and dark bushy tufts of hair on my lower forehead!"
(Loud cheers)
Baier: "Governor DeSantis, can I ask what it is you're doing?"
DeSantis (nasally): "Nothing, don't look at me."
Baier: "It appears you've got something behind your podium and you're dipping your fingers into it. Can you show us what it is you're holding?"
DeSantis (nasally): "It's nothing at all! Just, just ask somebody else a question, dammit! You haven't said a thing to Asa yet."
Baier: "Who?"
Hutchinson (smiling earnestly and waving his hand): "Me! Over here on the end!"
Baier: "Oh, right. We'll get to you eventually, Senator."
Hutchinson: "Governor."
Baier: "Governor, right. For now I want to ask about climate change."
Ramaswamy: "You mean the climate hoax?!"
(Loud cheers)
MacCallum: "You don't believe it's a real thing?"
Ramaswamy: "I believe it's conspiracy perpetrated by woke carbon particles to heat up the planet and cancel all of humanity!"
(Loud cheers)
MacCallum: "So you do believe the planet is warming."
Ramaswamy: "Sure, whatever, but only because of the radical transgender ideology!"
(Loud cheers)
Baier: "Can you explain the connection?"
Ramaswamy: "Every time somebody gets gender reassignment surgery, the doctor insists that the lights remain on throughout the procedure, which takes up precious energy and increases their carbon footprint. And then they turn around and tell me and everyone else in this room not to own private jets!"
(Protracted boos)
Baier (turning around to face the studio audience): "Folks, I suppose this is as good a time as any for the obligatory plea to the crowd to quiet down. Every time you have one of these reactions, it takes time away from the discussion with the candidates. We cannot stress enough the importance of having a live studio audience for presidential debates, but equally important is that you not make noise. Everyone knows that having you here significantly lowers the quality of the discussion, since most of the candidates concentrate much more on trying to lay down mic-drop lines than saying anything substantive, but we and the other major networks will continue to invite you into the room while simultaneously pretending we care more about quality discourse than the slightly higher ratings that come from knowing the candidates are going to try to play to the crowd. Thank you."
(Inexplicable cheers)
MacCallum: "Moving on, I'd like to see a show of hands as to who will vote for Donald Trump in the general election even if he is convicted of one or more felonies."
(Several candidates’ hands go up, to cheers from the crowd)
MacCallum: "Okay, Governor DeSantis, I notice you're looking around and pointing at each raised hand, clearly counting them... and now marking something on your note pad."
DeSantis (nasally): "Yes, I'm tallying the numbers."
Baier: "You can't keep track of them in your head? There are only six other people on stage."
Hutchinson (smiling): "Seven!"
DeSantis (nasally): "Well I can't keep track of them with you guys flapping your gums, so please be quiet!"
(He mouths the numbers one through five as he points at his note pad and counts the tally marks he's made)
MacCallum: "And now you're slowly raising your hand as well."
Christie: "You're a chicken, Ron! A piping hot, crispy, succulent, fried chicken!"
(Boos)
Baier: "We've now reached the closing argument section of tonight's debate. And in the proud tradition of the 'I'm the only person on this stage who...' device, I would ask that each candidate frame their final remarks thusly. We'll start with you, Governor Burgum, and then go down the line."
Burgum: "Thank you, Bret. I'm the only person on this stage whose eyebrows could be shaven off and fashioned into a full toupee. Burgum '24!"
(Smattering of applause)
Scott: "I'm the only person on this stage who's doing this for the right reason, which is to convince a dangerous sociopath to select me as his running mate.”
(Thunderous cheers)
Haley: "I'm the only person on this stage who has multiple fallopian tubes. If you want a man to be president, ask a man. If you want a woman to be president, ask a woman."
(Cheers from half the crowd)
Ramaswamy: "I'm the only person on this stage who made himself into a billionaire in spite of being an inconceivable dumbfuck. If that isn’t the dream of everyone watching, I don’t know what is!”
(Loud cheers)
DeSantis (nasally): "I'm the only person on this stage who won't be bullied by a woke mob of debate moderators into starting his closing statement with 'I'm the only person on this stage who.' I would leave you with a smile but my advisors have pleaded with me not to."
(Polite applause)
Pence: "I'm the only person on this stage who, in order to win over the voters he's courting, must first pitch them on the idea of not murdering him. Please visit letmikepenceliveandalsobecomepresident.com. Thank you."
(Polite chants of “Hang Mike Pence”)
Christie: "I'm the only person on this stage who knows how the sausage is made, how to re-start the gravy train, and how to make America the greatest thing since sliced bread, so pretty much the whole enchilada. Joe Biden wants to have his cake and eat it too, but on Election Day it's going to be like taking candy from a baby. Food for thought!"
(Audible tummies rumbling)
Hutchinson: "I'm the only per–
Baier: "I'm afraid that's all the time we have."
Hutchinson (smiling): "It's all right, I was just happy to stand here!"
MacCallum: "Join us next time when we ask these same assclowns the same worthless questions, knowing all the while as everyone in America does, that Trump is going to be the nominee no matter what."
(Sustained cheers)
—
If you didn’t unequivocally hate this content and have another 10 minutes for an equally mildly amusing audio piece, click here!
I feel like I was there